You’re having trouble maintaining an erection or you don’t feel lubricated enough to make penetration pleasurable and it’s starting to kill your desire for sex.

Before you throw in the towel, it could be helpful to check out some contributing factors to a lack of arousal and some things you can do about it:​

I know I said that stress interferes with desire, but it also interferes with your body’s physical responses too.

If you’re afraid of getting an infection, getting pregnant, you have a looming deadline at work, you and your partner have been fighting, whatever, your body is going to be expending precious time and energy on these problems over getting you physically ready for sex.

Some would describe it as an evolutionary mechanism we developed to keep us alive.

Think about it, our ancestors had to prioritize running away from that lion over having sex (in order to keep having more sex…).

We may not have to worry about lions anymore, but chronic stress and anxiety produce the same physical reactions in people. Your adrenaline and cortisol levels go up when you start fighting with your partner or realize that your big project is due at 8am tomorrow morning.

As mentioned in the previous post, if stress is impacting your physiological ability to become aroused you should consider:

• Exercising, even once a week for 30 minutes is better than nothing!
• Getting 7-8 hours of sleep
• Eating fruits, vegetables and other nutritious foods
• Staying hydrated
• Doing things that relax you, like meditating, getting a massage or spending time with friends

These things will help balance out your hormones and make it easier to put fears aside when you want to make time for sex.

Couples Therapy is actually a very recent development in the field of mental health. Marriage and Family Therapy, my field of study, got its start in the 1940’s and 50's when psychotherapists and psychologists began to notice that the ways in which a family interacted affected an individual’s treatment outcome.
 
It started with many prominent figures in the field working with schizophrenic patients and their families. In every clinic addressing this very serious mental health concern, there was a common theme of patients regressing when visited by family members or after returning home.*
 
Why would being with your family have such a strong effect on your ability to do better?
 
I think the answer lies in the understanding that we are social creatures; we form attachments to our caregivers, we find solace in our friends, we generally seek out the people who get us.
 
We learn how to be functional, or not-so-functional, people from the ones who raised us, who gave us messages about how we could develop and who we could be. It would stand to reason that this also sets us up for finding the people who reinforce our view of the world and our view of ourselves.

When’s the last time you weren’t excited for that big event you got tickets 3 months in advance for? My point exactly.
 
Once you knew it was going to happen you started anticipating and planning and spending a great deal of mental energy on what you were going to wear, who you were going with, etc. All the while, you’re building a sense of suspense, a perpetual excitement that heightens the experience before you even get to it!
 
Building that sense of anticipation works the same for sex- you agree you’re going to get frisky when you get home, he sends you a flirty text, she tells you she bought a new toy, before you know it your desire for the hot sex you’re going to have with your partner is almost unbearable and you’re rushing home to enjoy the time you’ve planned out together.
 
That sounds way better to me than being unsure as to whether your partner is going to want it after work or not.
​

Which brings me to my next point: spontaneity is great and I have nothing against it, but it’s foolish to leave all your sexual experiences up to chance. There’s too many opportunities for hurt feelings, miscommunication and eventually there’s a huge emotional barrier between you that feels insurmountable.
 
When you’re planning, you’re actively negotiating what works best for both of you and this strengthens your communication.
 
When you plan on having coffee with a friend it doesn’t just happen- it takes figuring out when a good time for both of you is, where you’re going to go, ensuring that the kids are taken care of (if that’s a consideration) and being flexible enough to adjust the plan as necessary.
 
In the act of planning you are required to communicate about your wants, your needs and what works best for you. The same goes for scheduling sex.
 
The side benefit here is that the good communication habits you’re practicing get applied to other, less sexy areas too!

​Like everything in life, relationships take work. If you’re not actively making your partnership a priority then it will fall by the wayside.
 
The sad truth is, if your intimacy with your partner takes a backseat to work, family events and catching up with friends, then, eventually, so does the rest of your relationship.
 
Putting time to be intimate (and possibly sexy) with your partner on your calendar is like making a promise- you know when and where it’s going to happen and you’ve committed to, not just the activity, but to your partner.
 
It promotes a sense of accountability; maintaining that part of your relationship ensures that you are building a sustainable, overall connection with this person.